The Sunday Roast: Kristen Stewart

December 23, 2012

Sunday Roast

So apparently the world didn’t end on Friday. Whatever, right? I mean, it’s not like I did anything drastic like coloured my hair blonde or anything because I figured there’d be no repercussions or anything, right? Yeah. Anyway… So what did end this year, was the ridiculous mind-numbing waste of time that was the Twilight saga…and with it, hopefully we’ve seen the end of today’s Roastee, Kristen Stewart


Sorry. That’s a log. Honest mistake. Here’s the picture of Kristen Stewart.


Jeeze. Just looking at her makes me tired.

Ah, Kristen Stewart. You’re pretty much playing the role you were born to play: a lifeless vapid zombie. Seriously. There are actual corpses who couldn’t play dead with as much skill as this chick. She makes comatose patients look positively hypreractive. And all this translates into her “acting”, a word used here in the very loosest sense and for the lack of nothing else remotely suitable. Her every scene in those Twilight movies is an excrutiating paniful exercise in sheer awkwardness. Now I know you’re thinking I’m being harsh on Ms Stewart because her character is in fact an awkward teen. In response let me just say, watch this shit:

Wow. She’s been pulling the same (three) moves in every movie she’s been in since she started acting. It figures though that Stephanie Meyer would be over the moon happy about Stewart: like appreciates like, after all. This should be the end of Stewart’s career but like a bloated corpse in a flooded storm drain, she continues to float to the top of the Hollywood demand scale.

I honestly don’t get the fuss. I don’t think I want to either. In fact, the less said about this creature, the better. So that’s why I’m done with this post. No, really. I just can’t be bothered. And to make up for putting you through that supercut earlier, here’s the guys from Rifftrax (originally the guys from MST3K) destroying Twilight. I really wish they’d do actual movie screenings like this.

By the way, if you’re a Kristen Stewart fan or a Twilight fan, before you decide to send me hate-mail, let me rather suggest you take a moment and eat a dick. Feel better!


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