I Hate Kids…

September 7, 2011

The other back page

I really do. I hate your kids especially. No, I don’t think your kid’s cute when it’s looking up at me with the big goo-goo eyes and two silver trails of nasal mucous drawn down pass its top lip. Yes, your kid is an “IT”. Β Like Stephen King’s clown. But I would hug that clown. And I hate clowns. But I hate your kid more.

I hate it when you bring your baby into the movie I’ve paid good money to watch. I don’t want to hear that little bastard wailing through the best bits of Captain America. Why bring the little shit to the movies anyway? It’s not even looking at the screen. It can’t even understand what the hell’s being said. TIP: spend some money on a babysitter. Can’t afford one? Valium is cheap. Sedate it. Don’t look at me like that. If I brought my cat to the movies, you bet your sweet ass it would be quiet. Cats know how to behave. Sidebar: cats also know how to clean up after themselves. On that note, your baby stinks. Like a level 5 toxic spill. Cinemas are enclosed spaces. Just saying…

I hate it when you bring your kid to the restaurant I’ve paid good money to eat at. If your kid is younger than 16, take it to MacDonalds. Oh, you don’t like MacDonalds? Tough shit. Don’t have kids. That’s part of the package. You spawn, you eat at MacDonalds. Or you eat at home. That’s your punishment. That’s your punishment for not using a condom.

Single mommy-bloggers, pay attention if you please. Stop telling us how guilty you feel because you had lustful thoughts about your ex and now you can tell, you can just feel, that your baby knows what you did and is judging you. Yeah and you wonder why you’re still single? And don’t you married moms start feeling all smug. You guys are the worst, with your perfect little lives and your perfect little families… Bullshit. We know your hubby “works late” because he can’t stand to be around you and your two….no wait, three…kids. He knows you trapped him into your twisted dream of a perfect life. For the next 40 years of his life, he’s a slave to your dream. That’s why there are so few daddy-bloggers. They have to work.

By the way, I don’t want kids. I don’t want to touch or look at yours, so why would I want any of my own? No, don’t pity me. I’ll be fine. While you’re getting up every two hours to feed your offspring, I’m out clubbing…on a week-night. While you’re getting up early on a weekend morning to take your spawn to a birthday party, I’m having sleepy morning sex. While you’re shopping at Babies R Us, I’m trying to decide what new gadget I’m gonna add to my collection.

OK. I’m done for now. I gotta go outside and do something I want to do. You remember what that feels like, right?

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9 Comments on “I Hate Kids…”

  1. Monique Says:

    I love how mothers find their offspring to be something EVERYONE in any place at every given time should melt over and find amazing.
    Sorry, it isn’t. I’m not impressed, and just because I’m a young woman doesn’t mean I find babies appealing and desirable like you do. I find pregnancy, babies, and children repulsive and I’m not even legal yet.
    Any two human brings can combine genitalia to make another human – that’s no miracle, that’s simply biology. If you have a glorious child, I do not give a hoot; I do not want to see its pictures, have you bring it to my home, hold it, touch it, see it in person, smell it… And I ESPECIALLY do not want to hear the loaf. There is nothing creative or heartwarming behind the sounds that a human that cannot form words makes; there is nothing cute about a baby crying, burping, or hiccuping.

    I decided to be CFBC when I was 16 for good reason, and there is nothing a moo or dud can say to me to make me “change my mind”. Thank you kindly for this post πŸ™‚

    Reply

    • Amod Munga Says:

      So great to hear from a kindred spirit.
      I’ve been CFBC since I can remember and haven’t regretted a minute of it.
      Your choice is brave and laudable, and I hope you enjoy every moment of your freedom. πŸ™‚

      Reply

      • Monique Says:

        Why thank you πŸ™‚ Yep, lookin forward to life without and it’s good to know a guy out there is livin large CFBC.
        My friends think I’m a bit crazy, but when I am sleeping in and enjoying socializing, we shall see who is truly crazy πŸ˜‰

  2. Christine Says:

    This describes my exact feelings for kids.

    Unfortunately my family thinks otherwise. As a very broke college student,living on my own isn’t really an option, so for the time being it’s living with my parents or in a shelter, which I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t because my parents insist on having every fucking kid in our family spend the night at least once per week. It drives me insane. My mother believes that having them over will “awaken my motherly instincts” but it only makes me more certain that a) I DO NOT want kids and b) I HATE kids with a passion.

    I hate the little fucks and their stupid TV shows and their absolutely irrational mind….and don’t even get me started with potty time. No, you shit machine, I won’t wipe your ass after you take a dump or change your fucking diaper. It’s not my fucking responsibility.

    If life ever spat on me enough and I somehow wound up pregnant I would get an abortion or give the little shit up for adoption. A CLOSED adoption where I never had to see that fucking potential life-mortgage ever again.

    And no, my opinion on children won’t change as I age. I’m 21 and it’s been the same fucking way since I was 15. I don’t like kids and I DO NOT want to have little spawns of my own. They’re not adorable, cute, funny, or lovable, they’re USELESS MONEY and TIME SUCKING DIPSHITS.

    Reply

    • Anonymous Says:

      Oh Christine… Let me have your babies

      Reply

    • Monique Says:

      Ah, so good to see someone who has a brain between her ears and a dead mommy gene. We should get together for tea one day and discuss the richness of our lives while our friends clean up baby vomit and Cheetos from their upholstery :3

      Reply

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I find it funny that some parents forget who they are and become a completely different person after ther’ve had kids… I wish i had of taken before and after vidoe’s… God damn they let me punch them in the face if they could only see…

    Reply

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Lol I love it! It’s like you said what I think all the time!

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Five For Friday: Five Kids Getting Owned… | What is this? I don't even... - December 14, 2012

    […] a well known fact that I’m not a fan of children. Seriously. I can barely tolerate them being in my space for more than a minute before I have to […]

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